“Is the girl really dreaming she is a butterfly? But what if she is a butterfly dreaming that it is a girl? It is only when her lover is able to discern the butterfly that is in her more than the girl herself that he will passionately desire her, that making love to her will not be only copulation.”
–Slavoj Zizek
This is not a startling realization for Arliss Jones.
Arliss stands in her kitchen, chopping potatoes. A slip of the knife spreads her iron-rich maroon-red blood across the top layer of au-gratin ready thin slices. “If I wash them off,” she thinks, “no one will ever know the difference.” Whether or not this is sanitary bears little on her decision and she is secretly glad inside that Tom will be eating tainted potatoes. Since the phrase ‘Tom eats tainted potatoes’ has such a nice ring to it, she proceeds with bandaging her finger and turning on the faucet to rinse the tainted potatoes. “Yes,” she thinks. “I’ve never made better scalloped potatoes in my life.”
Tom is a decent man, more decent than most men even. They met through a friend three years ago who thought they would get along well. She was right; Tom was immediately arrested of Arliss and vice versa; they had been living together for a little over a year now. Employment in real property law had brought him good fortune in life and he was pleased to afford Arliss any freedom she wished, and any she would take. She had been reluctant at first, he thought, but things had come along well. He is pleased when he comes home and dinner is ready. He is pleased that she is happy. This is exactly how he imagined his life would be when he was in law school hanging around the hippy-ish book shops with the pretty girls.
Arliss is a bit indifferent to the excellence of her potatoes at dinner. He congratulates her, apologizing afterwards, for being an amazing woman. This is an alright way to live life, passing your evenings in good company with good food and enjoying the comfort of a warm home. Many lives have been passed this way, and none of them were wasted. Still Arliss can’t help but feeling that relationships are all good and well until you start worrying too much about how exactly you are related to the other person. She can’t help but feeling that Tom doesn’t know this at all. Philosophy has a way of evading people who are too good at following rules in language, but this is a fault that can be forgiven with ease.
The tea kettle whistles sharply (what other way do tea kettles whistle?) and she excuses herself, slipping from the elegant leather couch to the kitchen island with a little chirp of indiscernable words. As soon as she is out of Tom’s sight, Arliss closes her eyes and drops her perfect posture. Donna, in a cornfield in Nebraska with long hair and a bunch of marigolds. Donna in a white cotton dress in the breeze. Donna between her legs in the birth of sin, Donna as the birth of Venus. Not unlike Tom, Donna is extremely intelligent, light-hearted, faithful, brunette, and magnificent at bocce ball. Not like Tom, Donna doesn’t like eggs and has a vagina. These are the only real important differences between the two. Arliss can brush them aside immediately, ready to dispose of such meanderings.
The problem with Donna is not that she will turn out to be imperfect in the end; the problem with Donna is, Donna does not exist. Arliss started playing this scenario a long time ago. The first time Tom told her how she was the kind of woman he had always hoped he would meet and pass his time with. It’s not that she thought Tom shouldn’t feel that way or even that she didn’t like him. But she never felt herself a woman; not that kind. And here she was, enjoying it. Even more to worry about, enjoying it because she wanted to enjoy it. “I could do with my womanhood until I subjected myself to it,” she accidentally says out loud. Over-intellectualizing again.
The longing for Donna, the thirst for the perfect other whose flaws she most enjoys; hungry for Donna laying naked on her chest while she weaves her hair into silk ribbons, traces her lifeline on the palms of her hands, feels the rhythm of her mother-earth hearbeat deep and full. Donna in a cornfield in Nebraska with a bunch of marigolds. Donna in a white cotton dress. Donna in the real, goddamn flesh. Arliss, chopping potatoes for Donna. The tea. “Donna does not exist,” Arliss says aloud (intentionally). “Donna will never exist, at all. No Donna. Tom. Tom eats tainted potatoes, Tom buys you flowers. Tom, Tom, Tom.”
Green tea has never tasted better in anyone’s home, they both conclude. Real property law is a fine profession, Arliss concludes. She is a fine woman.
(c) 2007 Dorothy J. Burk